INTERFAITH SPECTRUM MAGAZINE Vol. 1, Issue 1: Winter 2010 |
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Interfaith Marriage and the Lessons of Life
Claire Goodman
More and more couples are marrying partners of different faiths, and choosing to combine their faith
traditions in their weddings and often in their life lived together as well. Sometimes the difference in faiths
seems to create insurmountable obstacles between the partners’ families, and sometimes between the
partners themselves. An experienced interfaith minister provides useful observations and suggestions for
those in this situation.
If my experience as an Interfaith Minister and Wedding Officiant who performs up to 90 weddings a year
(and turns away about that number too) is any indicator, then I’d say that Interfaith and Interspiritual
marriages are certainly on the rise. The families of the couples marrying out of their faiths are often more
anxious than the partners themselves about the effects of such a marriage, even if no one is currently
practicing their traditional faiths. Learning how to ease the concerns of the couple’s family is a vital
concern. Creating a wedding celebration that honors everyone and leaves no one feeling out-of-the-loop
can sometimes present a challenge for more than just the couple. Mostly, I find, this can be greatly
minimized by demystifying the other tradition through education and conversation.
When I speak with a parent, for some reason usually the mother, whose son or daughter is marrying
outside their faith and/or culture, I always make a point of stressing the joy and hopefulness of the
situation and downplaying the fear and anxiety that is potentially present. Everyone in the couples’ sphere
has an opportunity to learn and grow from exposure to a new tradition. So much good can come of it! The
joining of an Interfaith couple is a small example of what we hope will someday be possible for the whole
world: living together in peace and harmony and accepting, appreciating and even enjoying the differences
that make our lives so much richer.
I always encourage the concerned parent to pick up a book or two to learn something of the “incoming”
tradition but also to reach out to her counterpart… the other mother… who is often experiencing similar
anxieties (unless, of course, there is a language barrier which can make this a bit more challenging). For
instance, when I conducted a Hindu/Christian wedding this past summer the bride’s mother (Christian) met
the groom (Hindu) as he entered the wedding festivities and gave him her blessing in the Hindu tradition: by
anointing his forehead and waving a lit ghee lamp before him. The bride’s Mom had taken it upon herself to
learn how best she could fully participate and was happily tutored in this greeting tradition by the groom’s
family. It was a great way of breaking the ice and getting to know each other! It was a lovely sight, colorful
and full of joy… plus her embrace of the groom’s family’s tradition by participating in it so fully went a long
way to opening the door of love and communication between these two outwardly very different traditions.
Other mothers are not so worried about unfamiliar ritual and culture as they are about simply knowing
enough about what to expect so that they will act appropriately on the day-of. Recently I spoke at length
with a mother in Israel who was getting ready to travel to the states for her son’s wedding. She knew
nothing of American wedding protocol and was very concerned about how things would go and what
would be expected of her. After 15 minutes on the phone going over the sequence of events on the
wedding day with her: processional, seating, ceremony elements, recessional, cocktail hour and so forth,
she felt much more relaxed and confident about her ability to participate in and enjoy her son’s wedding.
As it turned out she had a wonderful time and enjoyed every moment of the “very strange” American
ceremony and reception.
Sometimes the issue of how the couple will manage their differences after the wedding - things like
raising children, observing traditions and so forth- are primary on a mother’s mind. Often there is an
either/or mentality when it comes to observing tradition. However, there is always the possibility that these
issues could be approached from an “and/both” place. This fear of the unknown can so often be quelled
with a little gentle education about the unfamiliar tradition and exposure to someone (possibly their
Interfaith Minister!) who can truly express a heartfelt joy at the possibility of this new family observing and
enjoying the richness of both traditions.
I certainly do not mean to suggest that education, conversation and a joyful attitude will be the cure for
every situation and, indeed, I have had entire families who essentially disowned their child because of his
or her choice to marry outside their faith. I am remembering one wedding in particular that brought tears
to my eyes when the guests arrived at the venue and it became apparent that no one from the bride’s
family was going to be present because of their disapproval of her beloved’s religion and ethnicity. The
challenge for all of us in community is to accept these realities with an open heart while doing what we
can to help those family members struggling with difference in faiths take a small step towards opening
their hearts and minds to the joy and hopefulness in the joining of a bride and groom in love from diverse
backgrounds. There’s nothing sweeter!
By Rev. Claire Goodman, Interfaith Minister
revclaire@sacredgroundceremonies.com
www.sacredgroundceremonies.com
Return to Main Menu
Interfaith Marriage and the Lessons of Life
Claire Goodman
More and more couples are marrying partners of different faiths, and choosing to combine their faith
traditions in their weddings and often in their life lived together as well. Sometimes the difference in faiths
seems to create insurmountable obstacles between the partners’ families, and sometimes between the
partners themselves. An experienced interfaith minister provides useful observations and suggestions for
those in this situation.
If my experience as an Interfaith Minister and Wedding Officiant who performs up to 90 weddings a year
(and turns away about that number too) is any indicator, then I’d say that Interfaith and Interspiritual
marriages are certainly on the rise. The families of the couples marrying out of their faiths are often more
anxious than the partners themselves about the effects of such a marriage, even if no one is currently
practicing their traditional faiths. Learning how to ease the concerns of the couple’s family is a vital
concern. Creating a wedding celebration that honors everyone and leaves no one feeling out-of-the-loop
can sometimes present a challenge for more than just the couple. Mostly, I find, this can be greatly
minimized by demystifying the other tradition through education and conversation.
When I speak with a parent, for some reason usually the mother, whose son or daughter is marrying
outside their faith and/or culture, I always make a point of stressing the joy and hopefulness of the
situation and downplaying the fear and anxiety that is potentially present. Everyone in the couples’ sphere
has an opportunity to learn and grow from exposure to a new tradition. So much good can come of it! The
joining of an Interfaith couple is a small example of what we hope will someday be possible for the whole
world: living together in peace and harmony and accepting, appreciating and even enjoying the differences
that make our lives so much richer.
I always encourage the concerned parent to pick up a book or two to learn something of the “incoming”
tradition but also to reach out to her counterpart… the other mother… who is often experiencing similar
anxieties (unless, of course, there is a language barrier which can make this a bit more challenging). For
instance, when I conducted a Hindu/Christian wedding this past summer the bride’s mother (Christian) met
the groom (Hindu) as he entered the wedding festivities and gave him her blessing in the Hindu tradition: by
anointing his forehead and waving a lit ghee lamp before him. The bride’s Mom had taken it upon herself to
learn how best she could fully participate and was happily tutored in this greeting tradition by the groom’s
family. It was a great way of breaking the ice and getting to know each other! It was a lovely sight, colorful
and full of joy… plus her embrace of the groom’s family’s tradition by participating in it so fully went a long
way to opening the door of love and communication between these two outwardly very different traditions.
Other mothers are not so worried about unfamiliar ritual and culture as they are about simply knowing
enough about what to expect so that they will act appropriately on the day-of. Recently I spoke at length
with a mother in Israel who was getting ready to travel to the states for her son’s wedding. She knew
nothing of American wedding protocol and was very concerned about how things would go and what
would be expected of her. After 15 minutes on the phone going over the sequence of events on the
wedding day with her: processional, seating, ceremony elements, recessional, cocktail hour and so forth,
she felt much more relaxed and confident about her ability to participate in and enjoy her son’s wedding.
As it turned out she had a wonderful time and enjoyed every moment of the “very strange” American
ceremony and reception.
Sometimes the issue of how the couple will manage their differences after the wedding - things like
raising children, observing traditions and so forth- are primary on a mother’s mind. Often there is an
either/or mentality when it comes to observing tradition. However, there is always the possibility that these
issues could be approached from an “and/both” place. This fear of the unknown can so often be quelled
with a little gentle education about the unfamiliar tradition and exposure to someone (possibly their
Interfaith Minister!) who can truly express a heartfelt joy at the possibility of this new family observing and
enjoying the richness of both traditions.
I certainly do not mean to suggest that education, conversation and a joyful attitude will be the cure for
every situation and, indeed, I have had entire families who essentially disowned their child because of his
or her choice to marry outside their faith. I am remembering one wedding in particular that brought tears
to my eyes when the guests arrived at the venue and it became apparent that no one from the bride’s
family was going to be present because of their disapproval of her beloved’s religion and ethnicity. The
challenge for all of us in community is to accept these realities with an open heart while doing what we
can to help those family members struggling with difference in faiths take a small step towards opening
their hearts and minds to the joy and hopefulness in the joining of a bride and groom in love from diverse
backgrounds. There’s nothing sweeter!
By Rev. Claire Goodman, Interfaith Minister
revclaire@sacredgroundceremonies.com
www.sacredgroundceremonies.com
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