INTERFAITH SPECTRUM MAGAZINE Vol. 1, Issue 1: Winter 2010 |
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Learning to Ride the Waves
Lisa B. Kay
Children of all faith traditions and of none face losses. Parents die, go to jail, they lose their homes, friends
disappear. Children grieve differently from adults. Wave Riders is a program to help children in grief.
Sometimes they are huge, over powering and come crashing down, knocking us over. Sometimes, we
stand tall and ride them in. Sometimes, they are calm, slow and gentle. With practice, support and a
caring, loving guide, we learn to ride the waves. The fear diminishes. We don’t always know how they will
be or when they will change, but we know that they always are. So with love, support and faith in that
which is greater than ourselves and that which is within ourselves, we learn to ride the waves. We learn
we are not alone. These are the waves of grief, and those who grieve are Wave Riders.
“My dad died before I was born.” “My mom is in jail.” “My dad got killed in a car accident.” “My baby cousin
died at birth.” “My father committed suicide.” “My friend died of cancer.” “My sister is dead.” These are
not the words of an adult, but the words and reality of the children who participate in a program
called Wave Riders; a program for grieving children. Wave Riders is a grief support program run twice a
year by Community Hospice in each of seven component counties in upstate New York. While the children
participate in their Wave Rider groups, their caregivers (parents, stepparents, grandparents or other
guardian) attend an educational support group is run concurrently. Each Wave Riders program is
facilitated by a bereavement counselor, always with volunteer support and often a chaplain as well.
Wave Riders is a six‐week program that provides a safe environment for children in grades K to 8 (there
are also programs for preschoolers and high school age children) to explore and express their feelings
through a variety of art, movement, music, literature and discussion‐based activities. Through
these activities as part of a group, grieving children learn they are not alone and that their feelings and
thoughts are normal. They are given and learn to use support and strategy tools to help them ride the
waves of grief and to have hope. Because kids learn and process information and their world in a
different way than adults, these activities, particularly in a group format, are very important for our often
forgotten mourners.
Children learn through experience and through discovery. Their “ah ha” moments come when they are
actively engaged in authentic activities. Their work is through play and through doing. So, while adults can
talk to each other and we can be present to listen, support and teach, as well as acknowledge
during the grieving process, this is not the case for children. Grief work for them happens when they make
a memory box covered with meaningful pictures and words, put treasured remembrances inside, and then
talk about and share their boxes with the group. It happens when they hear a story about
animals that have lost their leader and pretend to be the other animals with all their different feelings,
fears and triumphs. It happens when they make a power shield that displays their strengths, the tools they
have when angry, hurting, scared or happy. Support comes when they learn a tai chi exercise for
moving stuck anger and tensions or fears, or yelling as loud as possible to do the same. It comes when a
heart stone is infused with love and can be kept in a pocket or as one child I know did, put under a pillow to
help keep the bad dreams away.
It is incredible to be present and to support the journey of these young people. It is incredible not only to be
present and witness them as they discover others feel as they do, or that being angry or mad is okay, but
also to watch the transformation of spirit and deepening connections with their loved ones who
have died. For instance, a young Wave Rider comes to mind. His father died before he was born. He loves a
particular computer game more than anything else and can’t sit still or quietly for very long. He had
difficulty with many activities because his loss was as old as he was and according to him, he knew
very little about his father. I took him under my wing, so to speak, even though I was there for all, and tried
to help support and guide him through the activities. During one of the later weeks, the kids were making
personal Native American power shields. They could pick pictures and symbols that represented what
they could do when they felt bad, who could help them or protect them. When my little friend picked and
added the symbol for protection, I asked him about it. He told me it was his father who is always
watching over him. This little boy is now a skilled Wave Rider.
Author’s note:
While not every child will need a program like Wave Riders, those who do usually are not ready
immediately after the death or loss. For some children it may be six months, one year or even two years
after the death.
For information on similar grief programs, including support groups for children, contact your local
hospice. In order for children and families to receive bereavement support it usually is not necessary for
the loved one who died to have been the recipient of hospice services. If your local hospice does not have
bereavement support programs for children, they most likely will be able to guide you to other community
resources.
Return to Main Menu
Learning to Ride the Waves
Lisa B. Kay
Children of all faith traditions and of none face losses. Parents die, go to jail, they lose their homes, friends
disappear. Children grieve differently from adults. Wave Riders is a program to help children in grief.
Sometimes they are huge, over powering and come crashing down, knocking us over. Sometimes, we
stand tall and ride them in. Sometimes, they are calm, slow and gentle. With practice, support and a
caring, loving guide, we learn to ride the waves. The fear diminishes. We don’t always know how they will
be or when they will change, but we know that they always are. So with love, support and faith in that
which is greater than ourselves and that which is within ourselves, we learn to ride the waves. We learn
we are not alone. These are the waves of grief, and those who grieve are Wave Riders.
“My dad died before I was born.” “My mom is in jail.” “My dad got killed in a car accident.” “My baby cousin
died at birth.” “My father committed suicide.” “My friend died of cancer.” “My sister is dead.” These are
not the words of an adult, but the words and reality of the children who participate in a program
called Wave Riders; a program for grieving children. Wave Riders is a grief support program run twice a
year by Community Hospice in each of seven component counties in upstate New York. While the children
participate in their Wave Rider groups, their caregivers (parents, stepparents, grandparents or other
guardian) attend an educational support group is run concurrently. Each Wave Riders program is
facilitated by a bereavement counselor, always with volunteer support and often a chaplain as well.
Wave Riders is a six‐week program that provides a safe environment for children in grades K to 8 (there
are also programs for preschoolers and high school age children) to explore and express their feelings
through a variety of art, movement, music, literature and discussion‐based activities. Through
these activities as part of a group, grieving children learn they are not alone and that their feelings and
thoughts are normal. They are given and learn to use support and strategy tools to help them ride the
waves of grief and to have hope. Because kids learn and process information and their world in a
different way than adults, these activities, particularly in a group format, are very important for our often
forgotten mourners.
Children learn through experience and through discovery. Their “ah ha” moments come when they are
actively engaged in authentic activities. Their work is through play and through doing. So, while adults can
talk to each other and we can be present to listen, support and teach, as well as acknowledge
during the grieving process, this is not the case for children. Grief work for them happens when they make
a memory box covered with meaningful pictures and words, put treasured remembrances inside, and then
talk about and share their boxes with the group. It happens when they hear a story about
animals that have lost their leader and pretend to be the other animals with all their different feelings,
fears and triumphs. It happens when they make a power shield that displays their strengths, the tools they
have when angry, hurting, scared or happy. Support comes when they learn a tai chi exercise for
moving stuck anger and tensions or fears, or yelling as loud as possible to do the same. It comes when a
heart stone is infused with love and can be kept in a pocket or as one child I know did, put under a pillow to
help keep the bad dreams away.
It is incredible to be present and to support the journey of these young people. It is incredible not only to be
present and witness them as they discover others feel as they do, or that being angry or mad is okay, but
also to watch the transformation of spirit and deepening connections with their loved ones who
have died. For instance, a young Wave Rider comes to mind. His father died before he was born. He loves a
particular computer game more than anything else and can’t sit still or quietly for very long. He had
difficulty with many activities because his loss was as old as he was and according to him, he knew
very little about his father. I took him under my wing, so to speak, even though I was there for all, and tried
to help support and guide him through the activities. During one of the later weeks, the kids were making
personal Native American power shields. They could pick pictures and symbols that represented what
they could do when they felt bad, who could help them or protect them. When my little friend picked and
added the symbol for protection, I asked him about it. He told me it was his father who is always
watching over him. This little boy is now a skilled Wave Rider.
Author’s note:
While not every child will need a program like Wave Riders, those who do usually are not ready
immediately after the death or loss. For some children it may be six months, one year or even two years
after the death.
For information on similar grief programs, including support groups for children, contact your local
hospice. In order for children and families to receive bereavement support it usually is not necessary for
the loved one who died to have been the recipient of hospice services. If your local hospice does not have
bereavement support programs for children, they most likely will be able to guide you to other community
resources.
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